i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
