I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
