You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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