I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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