She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
