I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
