im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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