Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
