you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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