i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
FUCK WHALES
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
