Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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