mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
