everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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