Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
