some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
