I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
