So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
