I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And my parents said I crawled through the house
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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