Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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