she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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