I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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