I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
