I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
