i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
