Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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