Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
