my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
