My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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