I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
