I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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