She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
