I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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