she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
