if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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