he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
