you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
