I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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