it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
