i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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