Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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