During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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