No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
