my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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