How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dignity is for republicans.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
