I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
