Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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