i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
