I can't breathe out the right side of my face
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
