I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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