I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
