dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
