Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
